Ego vs. Connection

Watch the episode here:

• Your ego is costing you peace in your relationships.
• Being the first to apologize doesn’t mean you’re weak – it means you’re brave.
• If you wait for the other person to make the first move, you might be waiting forever.
• This 3-step formula will eliminate relationship standoffs permanently.
• Your happiness depends on your ability to let go – and I’ll show you how.

What’s shakin’? Hey, I’m Rick Jordan. Today, we’re going all in. All right, today, I’m gonna give you some clues on how to maintain some inner peace when you’re in conflict in your relationship. Hey, this is something that you’re gonna need to hold on to, and it’s about being the first to do something, and you might start to have your brain going where that is. And there’s value in being the first to do some things. There’s value in being the first to continuously build that bridge back. There’s value in being the first to move halfway, or maybe to even go further than halfway, in reconciling some things. Whenever you’re in a conflict in your relationship, I get it. There’s triggers, there’s emotions that happen, right? And you want the other person to realize what they’ve done to you, even though you might not have communicated it properly. 

And it could be to where you feel so hard hurt that it’s very difficult to do this. But there comes a point in conflicts to where there’s standoffs, and the only way a standoff ends is when somebody is the first. And there’s three different areas too that this has to do with. And I believe that all three areas have to exist, and somebody has to be the first in all three areas in order to fully reconcile holding on to this stuff is not something that is healthy for you, especially when it comes to like, days or weeks. And you can probably know, because if you don’t want to do these things, that’s the biggest difference, right? So what I’m telling you today is only if you want to, only if you want to be the first for some of these things, and if you don’t want to be the first, it’s time to completely reevaluate some things. I tell you, when I take a look at at conflict in my life, it doesn’t bother me, because the only thing that can keep you from being the first in any of these areas to restore connection, to eliminate the distance, the only thing that can keep you from doing that is ego, is pride. 

That’s it, which can be based in trauma, sure, because you’re like, Oh, I’m gonna keep myself defensive and my walls up because I’m protecting myself. Screw that. The only way you’re gonna eliminate the distance in any relationship or in any conflict is if you decide that you are going to be the first somebody has to. So why not you? No matter what the hurt is, if you want to, if you want that relationship to continue and to continue to grow and just have longevity, somebody’s got to be the first, and it can shift off between you and your partner, that’s fine, but somebody’s got to be the first. And to be the first to do these things, your ego has to die. The first one is, is to apologize, and this one’s tough for some people, because it’s like you might want the other person to first, to recognize what they are. So you’re gonna stay on your ground, even though you know that you did some things, and you probably even feel guilty about some things you said, or some things that you you did, but you’re not gonna be the first to apologize, no way, because they did all this other stuff. That’s ego. And I’m telling you this, the first to apologize is the bravest. 

So if you’re a competitor, maybe this is something that you can flip the script on this. Because you’re like, well, I’ll be the brave one. Absolutely. I personally have no, no issues with this whatsoever, because you know what? It’s one of the first ways. Because once you have awareness of that and you really are into that person, or you love that person, why would you not want to say you’re sorry if it’s truly the way that you don’t want to treat that individual, and you recognize that I just did some stuff that I didn’t really want to and I don’t want to. I may suck today, I may be human, and I might do it again, no matter how much I commit to actually not doing what I just did, regardless, I still did it. So I’m going to be brave, and I’m going to say I’m sorry. I’m going to be brave and I’m going to apologize, and I’ll tell you this saying I apologize, this is psychological. I got this from Chris Voss book. I’ve never split the difference. Saying I apologize is real. If somebody says I’m sorry, a lot, anybody can say I’m sorry, but the I’m sorry is just like words, whereas I apologize is almost like deep feeling, because there’s a reason behind it. There’s an awareness, a recognition, of what happened. The first to apologize is the bravest. The next thing that you’ve got to take a look at is forgiveness, because after somebody apologizes to you, or after you apologize, it’s time to reciprocate. And this is the meeting halfway. 

This is an easy way to eliminate the distance, because it’s like different sides of the coin. It’s the yin and the yang when somebody apologizes, if that’s you and you are the bravest. Now it’s time for strength, because the first to forgive is the strongest. If you’ve got bravery and you’ve got strength, those are two things that can meet. The middle. So if you’re like, you know what? I’m going to step up. I’m going to man up, I’m going to woman up, and I’m going to apologize, because I have awareness that this is not the way I want to treat the person that I love like I apologize. That’s not how I want to treat you. I understand that I messed up, and I’ll do better now that reciprocation from the other person is to like forgive, and if that person is standing their ground, they’re not forgiving, you can also still be that strong person. You can be the brave person and the strong person, the first to apologize of the is the bravest, the first to forgive is the strongest you can be like I know you might not be in a place right now to where you’re ready to apologize. There’s some things that you said, some things that you did, that hurt me, but I want you to know that even before you apologize and have awareness, I forgive you because I want to move forward. 

It doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t want to see you do better, because I do want to see you do better still, I forgive you. That can melt somebody right in the spot. No joke, when you forgive somebody before they’ve even apologized, that completely diffuses any situation. And you know what? They might be idiots in that moment. And let’s face it, people can be idiots, especially in a conflict, in a relationship, they can be stupid. I’ve been stupid, and it can be like, whatever. I didn’t do anything. What do you forget? There’s nothing to forgive. And then that’s it. It’s like, well, it’s okay take the time that you need. Just wanted to let you know, because if that person truly wants to stay connected with you, they’ll come back around. They might need 15 minutes, they might need an hour. But I tell you, what? Anything more than anything more than, like, a time period between, like, three to six hours, that’s not worth it. Friends, if somebody stays upset with you for more than that, without trying to at least discuss it and and talk about the differences or the disagreements in that area, and they don’t come back within three to six hours, that’s something that you’re going to have to really re evaluate. 

You absolutely should, because that person should want to come back to you, no matter how much the hurt is. If it’s if they want to continue in the relationship with you, they should come back in under six hours to the to the table to be like, hey, you know what? I recognize some things that I did, but you know what? You hurt me in these areas too. I appreciate your apology, because it if you’re the bravest, you already apologize and you recognize the stuff that you did to that person. It also diffuses the tension, because it’s like there’s nothing more for them to say, and that moves us into this last one here, when there’s nothing more to say, because there has to be a time in a healthy relationship where you are okay with just letting things go rather than continuously keeping the fight alive, even though there’s been an apology, a sincere apology and a commitment saying, I’m going to do better. You might not know what that looks like yet, but the person like, I’m going to do better, and there’s already been forgiveness when that happens, the first to forget is the happiest. The first to let it go is the happiest. 

It allows you to come back down and then start the process of repair and rebuild. And that repair and rebuild might take just 10 minutes or it might take a day, but this still the only way to establish the repair and rebuild phase of this conflict is to not have the distance to begin with, which means there needs to be apologies, there needs to be bravery, there needs to be forgiveness, which means there needs to be strength, and there needs to be forgetting or letting it go, which means that leads to happiness, no more distance. This is the best way to deal with conflict, because the first to apologize is the bravest, the first to forgive is the strongest, and the first to forget or let it go is the happiest. Now go out there, rebuild, repair, and have an amazing day.